Today, Jacob is on my mind. It is clear, to me, that God has been working in his life. We have come a long way in the past 6 months. I have been reminded about the love he had for me in elementary school. I remember being smothered by it, at times, and not appreciating it. Oh how I miss those days..... they really were precious! He use to grab ahold of my cheeks and look me in the eye and tell me, as if his life depended on it, how much he loved me. Then life happened. Things changed. His world got rocked and I was one of the rockers. THen.... teenage years came. The child who once adored everything about me.... simply did not anymore. I was once his safe haven; But now I had become the one he couldn't turn to. His safe haven had been stripped away. But God has been working on him. God has been reaching into his heart (and mine) and molding him. Jake probably doesn't see it all. He doesn't understand it, but I think he likes it. The anger and pain isn't as real anymore. Things have softened. Our relationship is healing. Periodically, I sense the little boy who once crawled up in my lap and grabbed my cheeks is still around and still adores me. I have confidence that God is molding Jacob to become a man of God..... a vessel that He will use for His glory. Yesterday, I was reminded once again of God's grace and his faithfulness. Someone sent me a text... purely meant to encourage me and was innocent.... but one that hit me hard. The words that hit me hard were: "your kids have paid a high price for their sports!! hope their coaches appreciate that!! a great illustration of the sacrifices we should be making for our spiritual "race"." It hit me because it truly is a reminder of the "race" we are in for our Lord and how little I put into that race for my kids and how much I have put into their "worldly race"... sports. Then I felt very guilty for allowing my children to be so involved in sports that it has destroyed their bodies... and so little involved in the word that I haven't prepared them for the only race that is important and as a result, injurying their "spiritual body". My response was excuses. Not that they were accusing me of anything... .but I wanted to "defend" my position. This morning, I sit and struggle with those same thoughts. I know that God uses anything; even sinful things. So am I saying that having our children in sports is sinful? Absolutely not. Am I saying that my kids are being judged for our choice to have them in sports so intensely? Absolutely not.... though I am very very aware that sports can consume a family.... even if that family's intent is good and they are being used on and off the field. AND.... I decided a long time ago that I was going to be intentional at NOT allowing Elizabeth and Ri to fall into the same trap. For me, I see how sports has been a way God has molded my kids. But in the same breath, I see how sports has been an instrument that has taken my kids and our family off the path at times. In some ways, it has destroyed our walk as a family and in some ways it has strengthened it. And so I have an inward battle going on inside of me. But in the end, I am still very thankful for God's faithfulness. Soccer has been one thing that has really encouraged Jacob and given him self-confidence and strength. And though God may not be foremost on his mind, God has still allowed Jacob the joy of playing this season. He could have taken that away from him for good. In fact, Jacob should have been done for the season even before it began. But God didn't "punish" him. He didn't strip him from that joy; despite where any of us are spiritually. He gave the season to Jacob as a gift. He finished the entire season and had surgery yesterday morning. When I met with the doctor for the consult after surgery, he said that Jacob's tear was significant. It was from the bottom of his shoulder to the top of his shoulder. In fact, when he placed the camera inside his shoulder to do the surgery, it kept falling out because the tissue was so loose. We were expecting 2 anchors to be put into his shoulder; instead, he needed 5. It is amazing that the shoulder had not come out again! Truly, a gift. After surgery, Jacob and I talked about it. He sees it as a gift and is very grateful for it. The recovery is going to be long and hard. Please pray for mental strength as well as a complete physical healing. God is gracious and he is faithful. He has begun a good work in my son and He will be faithful to complete it. Here is a picture of Jacob just before heading into surgery.

Well, it's October now. I finally got recertified to sub again. I subbed 3 days last week and cleaned the church 2 days. We had a missionary and his daughter stay with us for 3 nights and a wedding to attend and a game of Jacob's to watch at the Crew Stadium. It has been a full week. I teach everyday next week. I am also applying for a full time (actually part time... only during the school year) secretary job. I doubt if I get it, but it is in the fire. We had a beautiful weekend so I took advantage and took a few pictures. Last week we got to spend a the weekend with Erin. We really, really enjoyed seeing her. SHe is an amazing young woman. We loved watching her play .... but mostly we just loved seeing her. She is missing home and wishing, no...longing, to be done with school and go on with her life. Sam has just recently made a very painful and difficult decision. He was dating a young lady with whom he cares a lot about. But he realized that they have two different beliefs about something he feels very strongly about. He chose to end the relationship and be obedient to Christ. My heart breaks for him, but I am so proud of him for staying true to his faith. Emily is doing great. She gets to see her boyfriend this week, so all is good in her life.

Just a few pictures that make me smile.

We live a full life. There isn't anything wrong with that, unless God gets pushed out of it. In my life, God seems to get put aside for too often. I have great intent, but often I find things draw me away from my time with God. Over and over I am convicted as I listen to the messages that our pastor preaches. I have realized that I have several idols. I just haven't quite figured out how to get rid of them nor have I figured out what all really is an idol for me. As for kids, Emily's knee is finally healing well. She has to do PT for a little while. She went Monday and discovered fluid in her calf from the surgery. It was warm to the touch. The PT said that was a bit concerning and can cause blood clots. Because of that, our surgeon had her have a venus duplex done on her leg to rule out any. We are thankful that there are none. Her knee hasn't been an easy surgery. We thought it would be, but it has taken far longer then expected. I didn't realize what all he had done while he was in there. Evidentally, it was quite a bit. She needs the same thing done on her other knee. We're not sure when that will happen. She is doing well and really enjoying helping out with the youth group. She met with a few of the girls on Saturday and did a "photo shoot". What fun! She is really enjoying her photography class. Here are a few shots from her first project. She got a 96 out of 100 on it. It was all about color. He loved the flag the most!

Erin is pretty homesick. She is really missing us. She is struggling having her heart in school and life at Houghton. It breaks my heart. We are planning to go visit her ... I can't wait. Pray for good weather because the only thing available is a campsite. It's been very, very chilly at night lately. I don't hear a lot from Sam. He seems to be doing well. He is coming home this weekend. I might know a bit more then. I do know that he is beginning to seek some spiritual answers to his future. I love it when my kids begin making major decisions based on God's word. It is a very, very cool thing to watch. Jacob has played 5 games now without his shoulder coming out. I thank God for that. His surgery is now scheduled for Oct 24th. We changed it so that he could attend the soccer banquet. This weekend, he will be escsorting a young lady to the homecoming dance. I feel very strange about it. In the past, I have known quite a bit about the dance partners of my children. Whether it is because he is the 4th or because he is not very talkative (maybe a combination), I know very little about his date. That makes me very, very uncomfortable. It isn't like me not to know. What I do know, she seems very nice. Ri is doing great in school. I meet with the gifted coordinator to move him ahead in math. He is outstanding in math. It is kind of crazy! He is excelling in just about everything academically. As for health, he still gets pretty winded and sometimes has bouts of breathing issues. But all in all, he is well. Elizabeth cracks us all up. She is LOVING having Emily home. Right now, she is into referring to her as Emmi-poo. Not sure where that came from. The things she says are hysterical. I don't have time to write them down and honestly, I forget many of them. .. but as I think of them I will try to put them down. One thing she did recently was watch The Voice with Emily. It is a program where the judges sit with their chairs facing the audience and their backs to the artist performing. The artist sings and if the judge wants that particular singer on his/her team, they push a button and turn around. If noone turns around, the singer is off the show. If anyone turns around, then the singer gets to choose which judge they want to coach them. Well, Elizabeth and Ri turn their backs to the TV and take a cup to be the button that they push if they like the singer and want them on their "team". Evidentally, Elizabeth pushed her "button", turned around, pointed to the singer and yelled "I want you on my team".

It's been so long that I really don't know where to begin. I would like to begin journaling "life" for my kids. Life is a constant battle. Ephesians 6:12 says: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. We are in a war. I feel it now more then ever. I am experiencing it in myself and I see it in my kids. I need to be on the front lines with the most powerful weapon available; my knees. But I rest assured that the victory is already ours.... through Christ Jesus. Colossians 1:13-14 states this: For He has delivered us from the power of darkness and has translated us into the kingdom of His dear Son;14. in whom we have redemption through His blood, the remission of sins. I have gone through some very difficult battles in the past few years. I think most parents do. I have faced some darkness in our home; something I never dreamed would happen. I have battled the enemy for my kids.... and at times felt nothing but despair. I have watched as my pride and confidence as a mother has been shattered; torn down in order for me to see the glory of Christ. I realize, now, that at one point, I took pride in my abilities to raise children. It took God opening my eyes to my failures in order for me to recognize that anything good is from Him. James 1:17 says: Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. I have come to the point of realizing that my strength is in Him. I say, with confidence, that anything good that my children become is truly a gift from God and not as a result of my parenting. As I have shared before, blogging use to be my therapy sessions. I loved to blog "life". I loved sharing the ups and downs of parenting. But the struggles that came got too difficult to share and would have been unfair to my kids. And so I just had not desire or energy to be "fake" about my life. The easiest thing for me was to withdraw from blogging. I am reminded that my strength is in Him. The battle I have been fighting feels as if victory is pending. Life isn't so difficult and the darkness isn't so thick. I rejoice in the battle and rejoice in HIS victories! And so I will share a brief synopsis of life around the Millers; in hopes to continue sharing. As I said in the beginning, I want to journal "life" for our kids. I want them to know my heart and to remember the joys of growing up. So here is a quick peek into our lives. Emily is as beautiful as ever. She had an adventurous summer. She finished her internship at Skyview. It was the hardest year of her life, yet a year that she actually learned about life. She ended it only to begin a summer as a program director. The journey at Skyview had some bumps in the road that taught her even more about real life. They are hard lessons, but good lessons. She spent 2 weeks in Poland as a basketball coach. Yep... you didn't read that wrong, she was a coach for an international basketball camp. And believe it or not, her team ended up the champions at the camp. It was one of the most amazing 2 weeks of her life. She has truly met the love of her life. He is a wonderful young man who has given his life to serving our Lord. He is studying to be a pastor. He loves the Lord with all his heart and seems to love our daughter nearly as much. He treats her like a princess. I believe that the Lord has some big plans for them. Emily is in her senior year at BBC. BBC has been wonderful! After spending a year in an internship, they are allowing Emily to finish her courses online. So, she is saving thousands of dollars and taking her courses at home! We are thoroughly enjoying having her around again. I suspect this will be the last months that our daughter will be home. :) Erin has had some extremly difficult things come her way. It has been very hard to watch. I have to admit that it has been hard for me to understand. She still has not recovered from her surgeries. Her knees are in a lot of pain, making it difficult to get in shape for soccer season. It is a two edge sword, her knees hurt too much to workout; but she needs to strengthen her legs to get her knees stronger. The day she came home from Equador, she went straight to Skyview. It is literally impossible to have free time to workout. She went straight into soccer season not physically prepared and even less emotionally ready. By the beginning of summer, she had come to a decision that she was just too tired of a long distance relationship. She was ready to change colleges and finally be with the love of her life. She had everything in place to transfer; but when she told him, he told her no. After a few weeks of talking (only on Saturdays when she was not at Skyview), he told her that he had decided that he needed to let her go to draw nearer to God and become the man that she deserves. Talk about a blow. She understood and wants him to grow and wants to grow as well. They no longer want each other to be their strength; but God to be it. In October, it would have been 3 years of a very serious relationship. Her world was rocked. I have to admit, mine was rocked as well. He caught me totally by surprise and I have had a hard time deciphering the truth in his words. But I trust God and I trust that He would ONLY do what is best for both of them. And if his words are true, then all I can do is praise God for a young man who loves Christ so much that he is willing to give up the one thing that he loves most. And I praise God for a beautiful young woman who would be willing to understand and encourage him and who desires to give everything for Christ as well. With that said, I still know that her world has been rocked and despite how much your head says this is best, your heart often does not match up. Sam is officially in college now. The year has been an emotional rollar coaster with many disappointments in his college pursuit. He has struggled with the ups and downs and with God's direction in his life. But he has handled it with much grace and is trusting God's plan. The day he left for college was very hard on me. I walked into the room and there was Ri with tears streaming down his face. Sam held him and he sobbed and sobbed... deep, heavy sobs. Sam just rubbed on his back and let him cry on his shoulder. I watched as I saw tears begin to stream down Sam's cheeks. I think Ri cried for 20 minutes. It was heart-wrenching. But by the time we got to college, both Ri and Sam were smiling again. Sam's first taste of college life was true to the rollar coaster God has had him on. Sam requested a quad and had signed up and was confirmed 3 months prior. He purposely asked for a quad because the doubles are EXTREMELY small. But... sure enough... when we arrived, there were problems with his assignment and he discovered that he had been placed in a double. That kicked him in the stomach. After some mighty movement on moms part (yep... there's a little pride in that), we had him back in a quad.... only for God to slam me in my face again about my pride. We got to the quad and Sam started to be pretty apprehensive. With some talking to Dad, mom and a friend, he decided it was better to be in the double. (Wham.... in my face.... now we had to face them to get him back in the room that they had worked so hard to get him out of!). As we left, my heart was sad. I have looked to Sam for encouragement a lot lately. It would be hard to not have his smile and energy around. Four days into college life (no classes yet), it looked like Sam had been through war. He shared with us the things that he was facing constantly. Parties, alcohal, marijuanna, sex.... everywhere he turned. He felt alone and pressured from all directions. You could see it on his face and in his eyes. It was heartwrenching for me. The first day of classes didn't go so well either. By the 2nd day, he was completely defeated; sharing with me that there was no way he could keep his scholarship and that the college was set to fail him. It was so hard to hear. But, once again, God is faithful. Within a couple of weeks, he had some great things happen. He discovered that he passed out of Chemistry and was able to drop that course and pick up another. He had actually discovered that by the end of the semester, he would have 57 credit hours! That would rank him 3 credit hours short of a junior rank. He passed out of chemistry and physics! He was very excited. Now he probably will not be considered a junior by the engineering program, but still... how cool is it to have so many credits accepted from high school AP and KAP classes! The coolest thing is that he can now move out of the dorm!!!! That is an answered prayer. Now we are just praying that he can move in with someone who loves the Lord. Jacob has had as many ups and downs as the rest of them. This year has been a rough one in the Miller home. In the spring, he fell playing soccer and sublexed his shoulder. Jacob has really struggled with some things; christianity being one of the biggest. That struggle has allowed some difficult things to go on. As a result, Jacob made a poor choice and as a result, his shoulder completely dislocated. I believe with all my heart that it was an instrument used of God to grab ahold of my sons attention. I was reminded of how Jacob, in the bible, wrestled with God all night. 24 This left Jacob all alone in the camp, and a man came and wrestled with him until the dawn began to break. 25 When the man saw that he would not win the match, he touched Jacob’s hip and wrenched it out of its socket. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 “What is your name?” the man asked. He replied, “Jacob.” 28 “Your name will no longer be Jacob,” the man told him. “From now on you will be called Israel,[c] because you have fought with God and with men and have won.” 29 “Please tell me your name,” Jacob said. “Why do you want to know my name?” the man replied. Then he blessed Jacob there. My son has been wrestling with his faith; wrestling with God. I feel like God saw that he would not win the match, so he touched Jacob's shoulder and wrenched it out of its socket. Jacob wants to be blessed by God. He wants to know God. After the moments at the emergency room and watching the pain that my son was in, I began to see God's working on Jacob. Since that day, I have seen a change in him. It has been such a joy to watch. Jacob has become strong, determined, and happy. I see joy again. I see a strength that is brewing. I can't do anything but rejoice! We had to see an orthopedic surgeon after the complete dislocation. He was given permission to play unless it came out again. He has fitted for a special harness to help support the shoulder during games. He worked hard to make the varsity team and earned a starting position. Soccer was going great. Then ... during a game, in the last few minutes, his shoulder came out again. This time we were able to get it back in within fifteen minutes or so. We had to go back to the surgeon; expecting his season to be over. He was given 2 weeks of physical therapy and then permission to continue the season with the full knowledge

Well, I am missing my boys.

It has been a week since they left for Peru. I only see a few pictures a day and it isn't always with them in it. Every evening, one of the kids from the team posts. Sam posted the other night, but Jacob has yet to post. I am confident that God is doing a work in both of my boys hearts. I saw it in Sam's post, I am axious to hear from Jacob. Before the trip, I knew that God was dealing with each of them; individually. There are times when struggles are just struggles and there are times when it is a spiritual battle that is going on.. . not a mere struggle. For both of the boys, I was watching an intense spiritual battle. It is hard to watch when you know you can't do anything but pray. Here is the post that Sam posted the other night: Sam Miller - Day 5 Hello everyone! These past few days have been a blast! I wish I could go into detail about each day but I've been instructed to only talk about my day. Before I begin, sorry mom and dad about the phone call and voice message... or lack there of. Love you! So, today was really packed and busy, but really cool as well. In the morning, we got to sit in on a Bible study with some of the missionaries that serve with SIM. Matt was asked to lead the Bible study with about ten missionaries from around Lima, Peru. The study was similar to the ones back home, except very different. It is so different to be apart of a Bible study where everyone is passionate about Christ and furthering His kingdom. Matt's lesson was very brief but really packed a punch. He spoke of the parables of the men finding the hidden treasure and the priceless pearl. How often do we actually slow down and think about things like that? Heaven really should be the most valuable thing in our lives, but how often do we go hours, days, weeks, even months without thinking about it? We really need to make that more of a priority, myself included. After the devotions, we broke into small groups and got to learn more about some of the individual missionaries. My group included three missionaries: Bill, Ernst and Martin. Martin and Ernst are both from Switzerland and Bill is from England. They all spoke great English so it was very easy to talk to them. Martin had to keep stepping out because one of his children kept crying, but we got to learn a lot about Bill and Ernst. Bill is working in the shanty-towns and has been for 14 or so years. He is about to retire now and would like to have prayer that he would leave the ministry in the hands of another and that he could leave happily without any regrets and not become too upset with leaving the relationships he has made. Ernst is teaching at the seminary we are staying at during our ministry in Lima. He is a great, fun-loving guy who knows five different languages: German, Swiss-German, French, English, Spanish, and he teaches Greek at the seminary. He asked for prayer for his three children, because he never sees them. We got to have a great time in prayer with these three and it was really great to see how similar they were to us. We asked them what was the most important part of mission work and they responded with "just be yourself." I thought that was really awesome! Being able to see these godly men who serve the Lord act and sound like us was really encouraging! They prayed, spoke and even laughed like we do. They were very "down-to-earth" and that was really amazing to me. After our time with them and our group prayer, we had an incredible dinner that Mrs. Kim cooked. Now let me take a moment to stress INCREDIBLE! (By the way mom, I spoke to Mrs. Kim and she said she will give you cooking lessons in Korean and Peruvian food if you fly down her... Just FYI). Mrs. Kim is truly a fantastic cook! After I was so full they had to roll me into the bus, we went to do our missions work. Each day God has blessed the team and me with a better feel for the language. We are all getting much better. Don't misunderstand, we can by no means speak to the people fluently, but we can get by. I am becoming better and better at understanding them now and that is a blessing from God. Today's group of kids were great! I really feel like I connected with a lot of them! We had an excellent time interacting with them through songs, followed by our drama. We only got a few "otra vez" (encore) this time compared to the chants and demands we have been receiving at other locations, but they really liked it. Jake is doing great with his acting! The kids absolutely adore him! After the drama, Matt and Kyu presented the Gospel. Everyone said the prayer! I know that doesn't really mean much, but I am sure that at least some of them are going to start coming to church and hopefully the seed has been planted in all of their hearts. We then got to paint the faces of the kids and give them some food and a Bible tract. I then thought it would be a great idea to let the kids paint my face... I was wrong! Within ten seconds, I was surrounded and swarmed by kids and my face was COVERED in face paint. They even went as far as to put some of the red paint on my lips like lipstick. It was a lot of fun for the kids though, so I'm okay with it. I strongly feel God working in my life on this trip. He has broken me down lately with my relationships and future life plans, and I feel that He is now ready to start building me back up into the man He wants me to be. On the last mission trip I was a part of, God displayed His power and the power of prayer to our entire team. On this trip, I think God is trying to make me more bold in my faith and aware of the people who desperately need Him. Every devotional that we have been doing as a group has had something to do with boldness, even if it is only alluded to. The more bold I am with the kids the more they respond. I hope I can be God's tool and be used by Him! continue to keep us in your prayers and be comforted that we are all having an amazing time no matter how tired we may be! In love, Sam As I have sat looking through some pictures, I decided it was time for you to see a few. Here are a few from graduation. Philippians 4:8

For the first time in months, I have been able to sit down at the computer without a care in the world. There isn't some other pressing issue on my agenda that takes all my time from me. In fact, for the first time in months.... I can breath. It has been the most intense and overwhelming past few months of my life. But as of today, there is nothing on my agenda.... nothing at all.... for a full month! VBS ended on Friday and the boys flew to Peru on Saturday and both Emily and Erin are at Skyview for the summer. So right now...it is just Mark, Elizabeth, Ri and I at home. Here are some pictures from VBS. We spent 3 weeks (nearly 4-6 hours a day) developing the stage for Babylon. It was a lot of fun, but a TON of work. The first picture is our final set (with a few words photoshopped onto it)

This is a view from teh back of the sanctuary:

Here are some pictures with the kids in it at VBS. We had so much fun.

I guess this is a record for me..... well over a month since I have posted anything. Blogging just doesn't seem to be in my blood these days. But Emily has this as her home page and she is very disappointed that I refuse to update. So, I will update just a bit. If I tried to catch everyone up on our past month, it would be a forever blog and all would be bored by the end. Much has happened but far too much to write in a simple blog. Here is a short, but simple run down of the kids. Emily is doing great. She is dating a wonderful young man. They will be working together this summer. She is exhausted beyond belief. Skyview has taught her a lot about life and more then she cares to know about hard work and long days. She has an amazing attitude. If all works out, she will be living at home for her final year at BBC. She is able (we think) to do all the rest of her courses online. That is our prayer anyways. Erin is doing fantastic in school. She is wiped out and on overdrive with homework and courses. She will be finishing up in the next few weeks. She heads to Equador May 17th for a 3 week course/mission trip. She and Jacob (her boyfriend) are far more mature then most kids their age. They are taking time to focus on growing in the Lord and learning how to become the man and woman that God desires them to be. They are stretching their relationship and molding it to be as Christ like as they can; praying for God's direction in both of their lives. Erin will be working at Skyview in the kitchen this summer; praying for it to open into a counseling position. She is willing to take whatever God gives her, but really needs to make more money then what she will as a kitchen staff. She is trusting God. Sam is growing leaps and bounds in his spiritual life. God has been stretching he further then any of us could have imagined. He still does not know where God will have him to go to school. At this point, it is between Toledo University, OSU, and the Naval Academy. He is leaning on Toledo right now. We visited last week and he absolutely loved it. OSU is a bit out of his economic range, but still a desire of his heart. The Naval Academy has placed him on a wait list. That means he was in the top 1400 of the 20500 applicants, but not in the top 1300. The first 1300 are offered an appointment, after they have accepted or denied it, the board reviews how many positions are available and then begins on the wait list. He will not know until at the earliest, Mid-May clear until Mid-June. If he is appointed and accepts, he would report on June 28th. He is really just seeking God's will for his life. Both boys will be heading to Peru at the end of June (unless Sam is in the academy). They are in the midst of working for the final amount needed for the trip and are taking on odd jobs and such. Ri is doing amazing after his surgery. He is so much stronger that we can hardly believe it. He is an AMAZING kid! Elizabeth is doing great as well. I would go into more details, but I really need to finish the cleaning that I have begun. Between work and VBS and kids... I just do not get the time to do all that needs to be done around our home.

Well,it is 4:00 in the morning and I am sitting at Children's Hospital with Ri. He is popping in fruit loops, playing on an ipad, and watching Cars. It's a good life. We woke up.... or should I say got woke up... 40 minutes ago for meds. Ri is such a trooper. He woke up without a fuss, I dragged him to the potty, and gave him meds with a popsicle (does wonders after his episode before surgery when they gave him HORRIBLE tasting meds that made him gag and throw up causing him to be a tad fearful of being given any kind of liquid med). He is doing great. You would never know that he just underwent a very complicated 5 to 5 1/2 hour surgery (or procedure...not really sure which term to use) on his heart.

I say complicated because it wasn't a simple insertion of a new stent. I have grown to realize that the Millers don't do simple things. If it is unusual, we have a much higher chance of being in that category. Elizabeth and Ri seem to want to fit into our family in everyway! :)

When they went into the surgery, they were prepared for one stent to be repaired. We had known that a peice had come off and traveled into his lung with no need to do anything about that piece. I asked the nurse on the phone if there was any concern that a peice would break off in the future and travel into his heart. She said it would never do that because it would have to swim upstream. The only way for it to go was into his lung. I reminded her that his blood flows back into his heart since he is missing that pulmonary artery valve. She assured me that it wouldn't happen because the stent is so far out in the artery. So....being the concerned mom, I asked the doctor the same thing. He was much more realistic. He said it is a possibility, but a very small chance. And if it did travel into his heart, it was not concerning. The heart would do the same as the lung, grow tissue around it once it embedded into the wall. There was no danger, but we shouldn't be concerned because it probably wouldn't ever happen. Guess what? Yep.... it had happened! When they showed us the pictures of his heart, he showed us the peice that was embedded in his lung. Then he showed us another piece that was, "sure enough", in the chamber of his heart! I couldn't help but giggle (silently). Praise God that He has made our bodies so amazing! I sit in awe thinking of how He has protected our son!

Anyway.... why was it so complicated? I really can't explain all that the doctor explained. The just of the matter was that his left stent had nearly collapsed. His left pulmonary artery, which had been so nicely ballooned and stented just over a year ago, had narrowed (right through the stent). The stent had no longer been effective. It appears that the artery had narrowed right through the stent, leaving a large portion of the stent not even touching his artery (the artery had narrowed so much). I can't really describe it in words. The doctor seemed rather shocked that it had happened and even more shocked that it had happened so quickly after his last surgery. They believe that the stent had been fractured clear back in August (when I first took him to the ER because of the problems with breathing). That would have been just over 7 months. What Ri was facing now was an area that "bottlenecked" causing the blood flow to have to travel through a very narrow area before it could get into his lung. Whenever he exercised or increased activity and his heart pumped blood faster, it would build up and not be able to travel out of that artery quick enough because of the narrowing. I put the pictures of his heart here. The first one is before his new stent was placed. Look at how it is pinched near his heart on the right side. Then compare it to the 2nd picture which was taken after the new stent was placed.

Things became quite complicated because with the narrowing of the artery, a larage amount of scar tisse had built up around the artery between the artery and the stent. It needed to be removed. Normally the doctor would insert a balloon that has four small blades on it that are inserted and used to cut up the scar tissue. In Ri's case, because of the damage to the stent and the way everything bent at that point, it was too risky for Ri. The doctor had to make a decision and do things a bit differently. I can't remember how he did it, but it was different then he normally would have done. And because of how Ri's kissing stents are and how the fractures were, the doctor made a decision to place a different type of stent into his artery. It is a stent that is generally not used in the pulmonary artery, making it much more challenging to place; but much better for Ri.

I could tell that his case was a challenge for the doctor by the way he described everything to us. He was wonderful in explaining it all. I am so very thankful for having him as Ri's surgeon. Ri's cardiologist was the attending cardiologist on the floor last night. He stopped in just to say hi. He was the one who has been telling us all along that this problem with his breathing was not heart related. He came in and smiling and telling me that he "understood that Dr. Cheatham had quite a day today"; implying (and me assuming what he meant) that this was not a typical stent insertion. It is funny. When Ri had just been given his meds to help him be calm before the surgery, I all of a sudden thought "is this surgery even necessary?". I hadn't thought about it before. I had just assumed. I had never asked. For a brief moment, I panicked thinking that maybe we were putting him through all this, all the risks, for nothing; thinking that maybe fractured stents aren't always repaired and maybe I had pushed for things to be done and they were just complying with an overbearing/overprotective mom. I had been pushing the cardiologist since August, insisting that this was just not normal. I took him to the ER when symptoms first began, had an x-ray of his lungs, with no results other then a high suspicion that he might have TB and to follow up with the cardiologist. We then went to the cardiologist and had an EKG and echo on his heart, only to be told that his heart was great and the stents were working fine. But after a month of it getting worse, I scheduled an appointment with a pulmonary specialist who could not see us for 2 months. In the meantime, I pushed things and got our regular doctor to see him. They scheduled a breathing test and an x-ray of his lungs (again). The x-ray showed everything normal and he passed his breathing test with flying colors. Then Uncle Paul ended up with blood clots in his lungs and a heart procedure done. I ran into his cardiologist and asked about Ri's situation. He was extremely concerned, wanting us to take him to the ER that day! So, I began pushing our cardiologist harder. I think because the cardiologist at Riverside was so concerned, our cardiologist began looking a little deeper and began to question if his symptoms might be because of him missing a pulmonary valve and causing Ri to have to have an MRI only to find out that it was not his heart. So we had had 2 xrays of his lungs, an EKG, echo of his heart, and now an MRI and still had no answers. We were told his heart was totally fine and that we needed to pursue pulmonary. I got into the pulmonary doctor and discovered that both he and the cardiolgist thought I hshouldn't be there, but really should be at an allergist. But an x-ray had been done and a breathing test was done. It was then that we discovered that he had fractures in his stents. This was the 3rd x-ray. At this point it was determined that the fractures had probably been there back when it all began (August... it was now January). Again, up to this point, Ri had had 2 prior x-rays, an EKG of his heart, an echo of his heart and an MRI of his heart. NONE of which had shown any problems! I am sitting in a PULMONARY specialist office and discover that my son's stents in his HEART are fractured! What if I had not pushed? Still, at this point, they did not believe his breathing was heart related. The cardiologist insisted that it was not because of his heart. The pulmonary doctor was very baffled by Ri's breathing problems. His lungs were in perfect shape, so he couldn't figure out what was going on. He decided to give him a maintainance type therapy, an inhaler to be used on a daily basis. He wanted to try that for a month to see if there was any improvement on his breathing during exercise. In the meantime, he informed me that the cardiologist was baffled with Ri's fracture and would be consulting with Dr. CHeatham (the surgeon who placed the stents in originally) and with the chief of cardiology.

Since then, Ri has had a few times when his breathing has brought him to his knees during increased activity and a time when his chest was hurting so badly that he stopped playing and told the gym teacher. I called the cardiologist on both occasions and was told not to be concerned.

I was a bit frustrated when we were talking to the surgeon afterwards. I asked him if this could happen again and how we would know. He told me that if he were having symptoms then they would do testing but not to be concerned about it. I explained all that we had done and all that we were told. I found out that the test that would show problems with his stents was never ran. Instead of an MRI, a CAT scan is the test that shows the stents the best.

So.... the end result is that God was holding Ri and working it all out. He would't allow Mark or I to be at peace with the test results. I guess I was thrilled to know that we know our son best! It made me happy to realize that we weren't imagining things and that our gut feeling that something was wrong was really the right thing. Pushing things (at least in this incident) was needed and I am thankful that we didn't just decide that this is how Ri was going to have to deal with life.

God is faithful. He has a mightly plan for Ri..... and that is something I am very confident about!

Just thought you might enjoy this.

The year for some "big" birthdays

Well, 2012 brings some "milestones" to our home. Emily turned 21 yesterday, Jacob turned 16 today, and Sam will turn 18 in March. Erin hits 20 in August. It is an exciting year for all of them.

Emily never ceases to amaze me. She seems to have surrendered her life to serving the Lord, I can't think of a better thing for her to have chosen to do. She is the hardest worker I know....well.... maybe my mother-in-law, father-in-law, and husband can compete with her. She has been so blessed to have been involved as an intern at Skyview this year. Her boss is a hard worker and has taught Emily the meaning of hard work. He has taught her how to serve with all of your heart and how to put God above all things. She has learned life skills that I can only wish to know. She has become so confident and independent and vibrant. She presented Skyview to our church a month or so ago and I sat in silence listening to her. Our once shy girl who couldn't dream of public speaking, stood boldy in front of the entire church and joyfully shared what Skyview Baptist Ranch's mission is and what they are doing for the Lord. Never have I heard a presentation so well done and so informative. I was stunned. She handled herself with grace and confidence. Her boss has put her in situations that she has been forced to handle; situations that have helped her to grow and to build that confidence. I admire the woman she has become. I sense that God has big plans for her; I can't wait to see them unfold..... Or as Emily is fond of saying, I can't wait to see the "pages turn".

Emily is now officially a full pledge adult. My heart is warmed and I am humbled to have been given such a treasure. God entrusted her into our hands, it overwhelms me at times. Happy Birthday baby girl! I love you to the moon and back.

Jacob turned 16 today. He was once my "baby", now he towers over me, is stronger then me, is wiser then me, is more disciplined then me, and more tender and sensitive then me. He has taught me more about who I am then anyone in my life. He has stretched me and challenged me like no other. And .. he has melted my heart more then anyone in this world. Many times my heart has ached over my precious son. When he was little, he would crawl up into my lap, grab my cheeks, and look into my eyes.... a look that peirced my soul... a look so full of love that it made you want to cry. My heart would melt. As he entered school, he would hold on to me with love that is undescribable. He would touch me tenderly and lovingly. He was so sensitive to me and my feelings; he would never have dreamed of hurting me in anyway...it would have destroyed him. Until we brought home Ri, I was Jacob's safety. I was the one whom he knew would never hurt him. I was his protector. I was his all and all. He knew that no matter what happened to him, I would be there to catch him. His love was deeper then any love that I could ever know.

Life changed for Jacob when Ri came home. My life changed and I was no longer his safe haven. It has been hard ... my heart aches more for Jacob then it has ever ached for a soul. It is a mothers ache; one that is indescribable. I can't put words into it: but for today, as I think of my precious son and his birth, all I want to do is hold him again and love on him in a way that could meet the love that little guy had for me when he was little. If I could give Jacob anything for his birthday, it would be for him to feel safe and loved by me again; it would be for him to feel the same love from me that I felt from him when he crawled up into my lap and stared right into my eyes.

Jacob has a part of my heart that noone else could ever have. I don't know why, but he does. Do I love him more then the others? NO! But there is something there; something that I can't describe, something that has a hold of me and it is so deep that I can't explain it. I am so blessed to have him as my son. I can't begin to express words that share say it. But I thank God that he gave him to us. I thank God that I have had the joy of Jacob in my life. Happy Birthday, Jake! I love you to the moon and back.

Blogging haunts me.

I have to say that becoming a blogger gives me mixed emotions. At one point in my life, it was like medicine for my mind. It was a way for me to put in words all the emotions that were going on in my mind. I loved sharing all the wonderful feelings and exciting things that were going on in our life. I loved sharing how God was working and what my inner most thoughts were.... but then I started hitting some walls in parenting. It was as if I was in a head on collision with a brick wall: with parenting being the vehicle I was driving and teenagers being the brick wall that I hit. At first, it wasn't too bad... a few minor "accidents" and few bumps and bruises. I could walk away from the incidents having only a few injuries. But as each child entered those teenage years, it seemed that warning signs... flashing lights were all around me and my brakes needed replaced..... and now... my brakes have failed and I have slammed into that brick wall..... and I can no longer walk away unscathed; neither can the wall. There is damage to both.

So... blogging isn't something I long to do anymore. It seems that when I sit down and blog, there are inner feelings that I use to look to share that now scream "you can't possibly share those publicly!". Sitting down to blog isn't easy anymore. Sometimes it is because of time but more often it is because I use to be honest when I wrote, now I don't want to be honest anymore. Partly for me, but more for my kids sakes.

I've been in this battle long enough to know that it is a season. It is a long season for some teens and parents and not so long for others. For Emily, it was a short season and it came and went. There were battles, but they were brief. There were times when it was a bit difficult, but again.. it was brief. Not because she is a perfect kid (of which I have been accused of thinking), but because her temperment is that way. She does not like conflict; she is a people pleaser. So, she would hide those "teenage" looks around us. She would share them openly with her siblings, but she did not want to disappoint us or cause us to get angry, so she would hide much of her emotions. And now, Emily is nearly all grown up and thinking about her future. She is always thoughtful of home and almost always thoughtful of her siblings. For Erin, the season was a very long, hard one. Again, it wasn't because she was a bad kid... but her temperment is such that her emotions are written on her face for ALL to see. When she was disgusted.... I knew it. ... and I was the safety place for her.... where she could let loose. I became her target. But, that season is over and it has been replaced with pure joy. Erin has matured and become so sensitive to her walk with the Lord. She is loving and kind and gentle with us now. Oh, she isn't perfect. Her emotions come out at times, but that is normal for anyone. Those teenage out bursts are controlled because she has matured.
The teenage years are a season. But it can be a brutal season. I am warn out and don't have the energy for the intensity of it at times. I have lost my temper far more then I care to think. I have crossed the boundaries I have never thought I would come close to crossing. I cringe at the mom I have become or at least the mom I am at those moments. I have single handedly crushed the spirit of at least one of my kids; if not more... they just haven't shared that with me. It is a brutal fact that is hard to face at times.

And as I try to manage the dynamics of teens, I watch Ri and Elizabeth being exposed to my temper and my outbursts that come with heated teenage discussions and think "What damage is being thrust upon them?". And then I struggle trying to get a grip and get control of me so that I can give them the foundation I somehow managed to give the others.

There are times, certainly, when things are great and I that there is a light at the end or at least that I have a handle on it and then... BAMM... it hits again and I find myself slamming against that brick wall with force that is very, very painful; a force so hard that neither party escapes injury.

So, as I begun earlier, blogging is a mixed emotion kind of thing for me. I hate just writing the facts of life. I want the feelings to go right along. It's the emotions of life that will mean more to my kids down the years; not the mundane facts. I just have to work through some emotions enough to be able to blog something worth blogging.

As for life around the Miller home, we are all doing ok. Sam has received an ROTC scholarship to the University of Toledo. He has accepted it with a request to transfer it to Cedarville. He has not yet heard from West Point or the Naval Academy, but he had to respond as soon as possible to the ROTC scholarships in hope that it would be transfered. He has to give them an offical response within 30 days of receiving the offer. With the academies, he could hear anytime between now and May. Jacob is doing well in school and is looking amazing. I admire is determination so much; he really does inspire me. I have watched him set a goal and work hard to achieve it for over a year now. I am in awe at his dedication. Back in November, I was thoroughly disgusted with my weight and lack of strength. I would have never known I had run a triathalon just a year earlier....it I hadn't done it myself! I was so inspired by him that I started doing the workout routine INSANITY. I have been doing that nearly everyday for the past 90 days. And, thanks to Jacob, I have finally begun focusing on eating healthy. It is SO hard!

Emily is loving her life right now. She is beginning to think of her future now. It is fun to watch her making plans. Right now, she is on her way to Chicago, again. Caleb attends Moody Bible Institute. It just so happens that SKyview is recruiting Monday and Tuesday for summer positions. They have sent her to Moody by herself to do the recruiting. It will be her first time "running the show". She will do great. It is so cool how it all worked out. I can't help but believe God's hand is it. Not only does she get to visit Caleb, but she is seeing the love of her life on Valentines day ... which also happens to be her 21st birthday! Can't ask for a better birthday gift! Needless to say, she is a happy "camper". :) In addition to that, she found at last week that Skyview is sending her on a mission trip to Poland during the summer. She is beyond happy!

Erin is doing great. She is very involved in school. I am not sure if I shared it already, but she was selected as Captain of the soccer team. She was recently appointed to serve on some special committe for athletes. She is taking scuba diving and horseback riding as well as 3 biology type classes with labs and an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) course. She plans to travel to Equador (I think) in May on a mission trip/class. Being a part from her boyfriend is very difficult, but they are very mature and handle it amazing. She will be home for a week at the end of the month.

Ri is doing much better with his breathing. I am convinced (though probably very wrong) that the breathing problems were occuring because the peice off of the stent was traveling through his artery into his lung. They tell me I am wrong, but it only makes sense to me. His surgery for repair is March 9th.

Elizabeth is doing great. She still has shutdowns, but she is handling life pretty well. Elizabeth spent a lot of time one evening writing in a notebook. I really had no idea what she was up to. Later, she handed me her notebook and asked me to read it. I began and discovered that she was "writing a book". She loves reading magic tree house books. She has been able to read chapter books for awhile, but I haven't been able to convince her to do it. Finally, Jacob sparked something in her and she started reading them all on her own. I think that has spurred her onto writing her own book. Here are the first 7 pages of her first book; we scanned them into the computer and added color.

ks

.