Today, Jacob is on my mind. It is clear, to me, that God has been working in his life. We have come a long way in the past 6 months. I have been reminded about the love he had for me in elementary school. I remember being smothered by it, at times, and not appreciating it. Oh how I miss those days..... they really were precious! He use to grab ahold of my cheeks and look me in the eye and tell me, as if his life depended on it, how much he loved me. Then life happened. Things changed. His world got rocked and I was one of the rockers. THen.... teenage years came. The child who once adored everything about me.... simply did not anymore. I was once his safe haven; But now I had become the one he couldn't turn to. His safe haven had been stripped away. But God has been working on him. God has been reaching into his heart (and mine) and molding him. Jake probably doesn't see it all. He doesn't understand it, but I think he likes it. The anger and pain isn't as real anymore. Things have softened. Our relationship is healing. Periodically, I sense the little boy who once crawled up in my lap and grabbed my cheeks is still around and still adores me. I have confidence that God is molding Jacob to become a man of God..... a vessel that He will use for His glory. Yesterday, I was reminded once again of God's grace and his faithfulness. Someone sent me a text... purely meant to encourage me and was innocent.... but one that hit me hard. The words that hit me hard were: "your kids have paid a high price for their sports!! hope their coaches appreciate that!! a great illustration of the sacrifices we should be making for our spiritual "race"." It hit me because it truly is a reminder of the "race" we are in for our Lord and how little I put into that race for my kids and how much I have put into their "worldly race"... sports. Then I felt very guilty for allowing my children to be so involved in sports that it has destroyed their bodies... and so little involved in the word that I haven't prepared them for the only race that is important and as a result, injurying their "spiritual body". My response was excuses. Not that they were accusing me of anything... .but I wanted to "defend" my position. This morning, I sit and struggle with those same thoughts. I know that God uses anything; even sinful things. So am I saying that having our children in sports is sinful? Absolutely not. Am I saying that my kids are being judged for our choice to have them in sports so intensely? Absolutely not.... though I am very very aware that sports can consume a family.... even if that family's intent is good and they are being used on and off the field. AND.... I decided a long time ago that I was going to be intentional at NOT allowing Elizabeth and Ri to fall into the same trap. For me, I see how sports has been a way God has molded my kids. But in the same breath, I see how sports has been an instrument that has taken my kids and our family off the path at times. In some ways, it has destroyed our walk as a family and in some ways it has strengthened it. And so I have an inward battle going on inside of me. But in the end, I am still very thankful for God's faithfulness. Soccer has been one thing that has really encouraged Jacob and given him self-confidence and strength. And though God may not be foremost on his mind, God has still allowed Jacob the joy of playing this season. He could have taken that away from him for good. In fact, Jacob should have been done for the season even before it began. But God didn't "punish" him. He didn't strip him from that joy; despite where any of us are spiritually. He gave the season to Jacob as a gift. He finished the entire season and had surgery yesterday morning. When I met with the doctor for the consult after surgery, he said that Jacob's tear was significant. It was from the bottom of his shoulder to the top of his shoulder. In fact, when he placed the camera inside his shoulder to do the surgery, it kept falling out because the tissue was so loose. We were expecting 2 anchors to be put into his shoulder; instead, he needed 5. It is amazing that the shoulder had not come out again! Truly, a gift. After surgery, Jacob and I talked about it. He sees it as a gift and is very grateful for it. The recovery is going to be long and hard. Please pray for mental strength as well as a complete physical healing. God is gracious and he is faithful. He has begun a good work in my son and He will be faithful to complete it. Here is a picture of Jacob just before heading into surgery.

Well, it's October now. I finally got recertified to sub again. I subbed 3 days last week and cleaned the church 2 days. We had a missionary and his daughter stay with us for 3 nights and a wedding to attend and a game of Jacob's to watch at the Crew Stadium. It has been a full week. I teach everyday next week. I am also applying for a full time (actually part time... only during the school year) secretary job. I doubt if I get it, but it is in the fire. We had a beautiful weekend so I took advantage and took a few pictures. Last week we got to spend a the weekend with Erin. We really, really enjoyed seeing her. SHe is an amazing young woman. We loved watching her play .... but mostly we just loved seeing her. She is missing home and wishing, no...longing, to be done with school and go on with her life. Sam has just recently made a very painful and difficult decision. He was dating a young lady with whom he cares a lot about. But he realized that they have two different beliefs about something he feels very strongly about. He chose to end the relationship and be obedient to Christ. My heart breaks for him, but I am so proud of him for staying true to his faith. Emily is doing great. She gets to see her boyfriend this week, so all is good in her life.

Just a few pictures that make me smile.

We live a full life. There isn't anything wrong with that, unless God gets pushed out of it. In my life, God seems to get put aside for too often. I have great intent, but often I find things draw me away from my time with God. Over and over I am convicted as I listen to the messages that our pastor preaches. I have realized that I have several idols. I just haven't quite figured out how to get rid of them nor have I figured out what all really is an idol for me. As for kids, Emily's knee is finally healing well. She has to do PT for a little while. She went Monday and discovered fluid in her calf from the surgery. It was warm to the touch. The PT said that was a bit concerning and can cause blood clots. Because of that, our surgeon had her have a venus duplex done on her leg to rule out any. We are thankful that there are none. Her knee hasn't been an easy surgery. We thought it would be, but it has taken far longer then expected. I didn't realize what all he had done while he was in there. Evidentally, it was quite a bit. She needs the same thing done on her other knee. We're not sure when that will happen. She is doing well and really enjoying helping out with the youth group. She met with a few of the girls on Saturday and did a "photo shoot". What fun! She is really enjoying her photography class. Here are a few shots from her first project. She got a 96 out of 100 on it. It was all about color. He loved the flag the most!

Erin is pretty homesick. She is really missing us. She is struggling having her heart in school and life at Houghton. It breaks my heart. We are planning to go visit her ... I can't wait. Pray for good weather because the only thing available is a campsite. It's been very, very chilly at night lately. I don't hear a lot from Sam. He seems to be doing well. He is coming home this weekend. I might know a bit more then. I do know that he is beginning to seek some spiritual answers to his future. I love it when my kids begin making major decisions based on God's word. It is a very, very cool thing to watch. Jacob has played 5 games now without his shoulder coming out. I thank God for that. His surgery is now scheduled for Oct 24th. We changed it so that he could attend the soccer banquet. This weekend, he will be escsorting a young lady to the homecoming dance. I feel very strange about it. In the past, I have known quite a bit about the dance partners of my children. Whether it is because he is the 4th or because he is not very talkative (maybe a combination), I know very little about his date. That makes me very, very uncomfortable. It isn't like me not to know. What I do know, she seems very nice. Ri is doing great in school. I meet with the gifted coordinator to move him ahead in math. He is outstanding in math. It is kind of crazy! He is excelling in just about everything academically. As for health, he still gets pretty winded and sometimes has bouts of breathing issues. But all in all, he is well. Elizabeth cracks us all up. She is LOVING having Emily home. Right now, she is into referring to her as Emmi-poo. Not sure where that came from. The things she says are hysterical. I don't have time to write them down and honestly, I forget many of them. .. but as I think of them I will try to put them down. One thing she did recently was watch The Voice with Emily. It is a program where the judges sit with their chairs facing the audience and their backs to the artist performing. The artist sings and if the judge wants that particular singer on his/her team, they push a button and turn around. If noone turns around, the singer is off the show. If anyone turns around, then the singer gets to choose which judge they want to coach them. Well, Elizabeth and Ri turn their backs to the TV and take a cup to be the button that they push if they like the singer and want them on their "team". Evidentally, Elizabeth pushed her "button", turned around, pointed to the singer and yelled "I want you on my team".

It's been so long that I really don't know where to begin. I would like to begin journaling "life" for my kids. Life is a constant battle. Ephesians 6:12 says: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. We are in a war. I feel it now more then ever. I am experiencing it in myself and I see it in my kids. I need to be on the front lines with the most powerful weapon available; my knees. But I rest assured that the victory is already ours.... through Christ Jesus. Colossians 1:13-14 states this: For He has delivered us from the power of darkness and has translated us into the kingdom of His dear Son;14. in whom we have redemption through His blood, the remission of sins. I have gone through some very difficult battles in the past few years. I think most parents do. I have faced some darkness in our home; something I never dreamed would happen. I have battled the enemy for my kids.... and at times felt nothing but despair. I have watched as my pride and confidence as a mother has been shattered; torn down in order for me to see the glory of Christ. I realize, now, that at one point, I took pride in my abilities to raise children. It took God opening my eyes to my failures in order for me to recognize that anything good is from Him. James 1:17 says: Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. I have come to the point of realizing that my strength is in Him. I say, with confidence, that anything good that my children become is truly a gift from God and not as a result of my parenting. As I have shared before, blogging use to be my therapy sessions. I loved to blog "life". I loved sharing the ups and downs of parenting. But the struggles that came got too difficult to share and would have been unfair to my kids. And so I just had not desire or energy to be "fake" about my life. The easiest thing for me was to withdraw from blogging. I am reminded that my strength is in Him. The battle I have been fighting feels as if victory is pending. Life isn't so difficult and the darkness isn't so thick. I rejoice in the battle and rejoice in HIS victories! And so I will share a brief synopsis of life around the Millers; in hopes to continue sharing. As I said in the beginning, I want to journal "life" for our kids. I want them to know my heart and to remember the joys of growing up. So here is a quick peek into our lives. Emily is as beautiful as ever. She had an adventurous summer. She finished her internship at Skyview. It was the hardest year of her life, yet a year that she actually learned about life. She ended it only to begin a summer as a program director. The journey at Skyview had some bumps in the road that taught her even more about real life. They are hard lessons, but good lessons. She spent 2 weeks in Poland as a basketball coach. Yep... you didn't read that wrong, she was a coach for an international basketball camp. And believe it or not, her team ended up the champions at the camp. It was one of the most amazing 2 weeks of her life. She has truly met the love of her life. He is a wonderful young man who has given his life to serving our Lord. He is studying to be a pastor. He loves the Lord with all his heart and seems to love our daughter nearly as much. He treats her like a princess. I believe that the Lord has some big plans for them. Emily is in her senior year at BBC. BBC has been wonderful! After spending a year in an internship, they are allowing Emily to finish her courses online. So, she is saving thousands of dollars and taking her courses at home! We are thoroughly enjoying having her around again. I suspect this will be the last months that our daughter will be home. :) Erin has had some extremly difficult things come her way. It has been very hard to watch. I have to admit that it has been hard for me to understand. She still has not recovered from her surgeries. Her knees are in a lot of pain, making it difficult to get in shape for soccer season. It is a two edge sword, her knees hurt too much to workout; but she needs to strengthen her legs to get her knees stronger. The day she came home from Equador, she went straight to Skyview. It is literally impossible to have free time to workout. She went straight into soccer season not physically prepared and even less emotionally ready. By the beginning of summer, she had come to a decision that she was just too tired of a long distance relationship. She was ready to change colleges and finally be with the love of her life. She had everything in place to transfer; but when she told him, he told her no. After a few weeks of talking (only on Saturdays when she was not at Skyview), he told her that he had decided that he needed to let her go to draw nearer to God and become the man that she deserves. Talk about a blow. She understood and wants him to grow and wants to grow as well. They no longer want each other to be their strength; but God to be it. In October, it would have been 3 years of a very serious relationship. Her world was rocked. I have to admit, mine was rocked as well. He caught me totally by surprise and I have had a hard time deciphering the truth in his words. But I trust God and I trust that He would ONLY do what is best for both of them. And if his words are true, then all I can do is praise God for a young man who loves Christ so much that he is willing to give up the one thing that he loves most. And I praise God for a beautiful young woman who would be willing to understand and encourage him and who desires to give everything for Christ as well. With that said, I still know that her world has been rocked and despite how much your head says this is best, your heart often does not match up. Sam is officially in college now. The year has been an emotional rollar coaster with many disappointments in his college pursuit. He has struggled with the ups and downs and with God's direction in his life. But he has handled it with much grace and is trusting God's plan. The day he left for college was very hard on me. I walked into the room and there was Ri with tears streaming down his face. Sam held him and he sobbed and sobbed... deep, heavy sobs. Sam just rubbed on his back and let him cry on his shoulder. I watched as I saw tears begin to stream down Sam's cheeks. I think Ri cried for 20 minutes. It was heart-wrenching. But by the time we got to college, both Ri and Sam were smiling again. Sam's first taste of college life was true to the rollar coaster God has had him on. Sam requested a quad and had signed up and was confirmed 3 months prior. He purposely asked for a quad because the doubles are EXTREMELY small. But... sure enough... when we arrived, there were problems with his assignment and he discovered that he had been placed in a double. That kicked him in the stomach. After some mighty movement on moms part (yep... there's a little pride in that), we had him back in a quad.... only for God to slam me in my face again about my pride. We got to the quad and Sam started to be pretty apprehensive. With some talking to Dad, mom and a friend, he decided it was better to be in the double. (Wham.... in my face.... now we had to face them to get him back in the room that they had worked so hard to get him out of!). As we left, my heart was sad. I have looked to Sam for encouragement a lot lately. It would be hard to not have his smile and energy around. Four days into college life (no classes yet), it looked like Sam had been through war. He shared with us the things that he was facing constantly. Parties, alcohal, marijuanna, sex.... everywhere he turned. He felt alone and pressured from all directions. You could see it on his face and in his eyes. It was heartwrenching for me. The first day of classes didn't go so well either. By the 2nd day, he was completely defeated; sharing with me that there was no way he could keep his scholarship and that the college was set to fail him. It was so hard to hear. But, once again, God is faithful. Within a couple of weeks, he had some great things happen. He discovered that he passed out of Chemistry and was able to drop that course and pick up another. He had actually discovered that by the end of the semester, he would have 57 credit hours! That would rank him 3 credit hours short of a junior rank. He passed out of chemistry and physics! He was very excited. Now he probably will not be considered a junior by the engineering program, but still... how cool is it to have so many credits accepted from high school AP and KAP classes! The coolest thing is that he can now move out of the dorm!!!! That is an answered prayer. Now we are just praying that he can move in with someone who loves the Lord. Jacob has had as many ups and downs as the rest of them. This year has been a rough one in the Miller home. In the spring, he fell playing soccer and sublexed his shoulder. Jacob has really struggled with some things; christianity being one of the biggest. That struggle has allowed some difficult things to go on. As a result, Jacob made a poor choice and as a result, his shoulder completely dislocated. I believe with all my heart that it was an instrument used of God to grab ahold of my sons attention. I was reminded of how Jacob, in the bible, wrestled with God all night. 24 This left Jacob all alone in the camp, and a man came and wrestled with him until the dawn began to break. 25 When the man saw that he would not win the match, he touched Jacob’s hip and wrenched it out of its socket. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 “What is your name?” the man asked. He replied, “Jacob.” 28 “Your name will no longer be Jacob,” the man told him. “From now on you will be called Israel,[c] because you have fought with God and with men and have won.” 29 “Please tell me your name,” Jacob said. “Why do you want to know my name?” the man replied. Then he blessed Jacob there. My son has been wrestling with his faith; wrestling with God. I feel like God saw that he would not win the match, so he touched Jacob's shoulder and wrenched it out of its socket. Jacob wants to be blessed by God. He wants to know God. After the moments at the emergency room and watching the pain that my son was in, I began to see God's working on Jacob. Since that day, I have seen a change in him. It has been such a joy to watch. Jacob has become strong, determined, and happy. I see joy again. I see a strength that is brewing. I can't do anything but rejoice! We had to see an orthopedic surgeon after the complete dislocation. He was given permission to play unless it came out again. He has fitted for a special harness to help support the shoulder during games. He worked hard to make the varsity team and earned a starting position. Soccer was going great. Then ... during a game, in the last few minutes, his shoulder came out again. This time we were able to get it back in within fifteen minutes or so. We had to go back to the surgeon; expecting his season to be over. He was given 2 weeks of physical therapy and then permission to continue the season with the full knowledge

Well, I am missing my boys.

It has been a week since they left for Peru. I only see a few pictures a day and it isn't always with them in it. Every evening, one of the kids from the team posts. Sam posted the other night, but Jacob has yet to post. I am confident that God is doing a work in both of my boys hearts. I saw it in Sam's post, I am axious to hear from Jacob. Before the trip, I knew that God was dealing with each of them; individually. There are times when struggles are just struggles and there are times when it is a spiritual battle that is going on.. . not a mere struggle. For both of the boys, I was watching an intense spiritual battle. It is hard to watch when you know you can't do anything but pray. Here is the post that Sam posted the other night: Sam Miller - Day 5 Hello everyone! These past few days have been a blast! I wish I could go into detail about each day but I've been instructed to only talk about my day. Before I begin, sorry mom and dad about the phone call and voice message... or lack there of. Love you! So, today was really packed and busy, but really cool as well. In the morning, we got to sit in on a Bible study with some of the missionaries that serve with SIM. Matt was asked to lead the Bible study with about ten missionaries from around Lima, Peru. The study was similar to the ones back home, except very different. It is so different to be apart of a Bible study where everyone is passionate about Christ and furthering His kingdom. Matt's lesson was very brief but really packed a punch. He spoke of the parables of the men finding the hidden treasure and the priceless pearl. How often do we actually slow down and think about things like that? Heaven really should be the most valuable thing in our lives, but how often do we go hours, days, weeks, even months without thinking about it? We really need to make that more of a priority, myself included. After the devotions, we broke into small groups and got to learn more about some of the individual missionaries. My group included three missionaries: Bill, Ernst and Martin. Martin and Ernst are both from Switzerland and Bill is from England. They all spoke great English so it was very easy to talk to them. Martin had to keep stepping out because one of his children kept crying, but we got to learn a lot about Bill and Ernst. Bill is working in the shanty-towns and has been for 14 or so years. He is about to retire now and would like to have prayer that he would leave the ministry in the hands of another and that he could leave happily without any regrets and not become too upset with leaving the relationships he has made. Ernst is teaching at the seminary we are staying at during our ministry in Lima. He is a great, fun-loving guy who knows five different languages: German, Swiss-German, French, English, Spanish, and he teaches Greek at the seminary. He asked for prayer for his three children, because he never sees them. We got to have a great time in prayer with these three and it was really great to see how similar they were to us. We asked them what was the most important part of mission work and they responded with "just be yourself." I thought that was really awesome! Being able to see these godly men who serve the Lord act and sound like us was really encouraging! They prayed, spoke and even laughed like we do. They were very "down-to-earth" and that was really amazing to me. After our time with them and our group prayer, we had an incredible dinner that Mrs. Kim cooked. Now let me take a moment to stress INCREDIBLE! (By the way mom, I spoke to Mrs. Kim and she said she will give you cooking lessons in Korean and Peruvian food if you fly down her... Just FYI). Mrs. Kim is truly a fantastic cook! After I was so full they had to roll me into the bus, we went to do our missions work. Each day God has blessed the team and me with a better feel for the language. We are all getting much better. Don't misunderstand, we can by no means speak to the people fluently, but we can get by. I am becoming better and better at understanding them now and that is a blessing from God. Today's group of kids were great! I really feel like I connected with a lot of them! We had an excellent time interacting with them through songs, followed by our drama. We only got a few "otra vez" (encore) this time compared to the chants and demands we have been receiving at other locations, but they really liked it. Jake is doing great with his acting! The kids absolutely adore him! After the drama, Matt and Kyu presented the Gospel. Everyone said the prayer! I know that doesn't really mean much, but I am sure that at least some of them are going to start coming to church and hopefully the seed has been planted in all of their hearts. We then got to paint the faces of the kids and give them some food and a Bible tract. I then thought it would be a great idea to let the kids paint my face... I was wrong! Within ten seconds, I was surrounded and swarmed by kids and my face was COVERED in face paint. They even went as far as to put some of the red paint on my lips like lipstick. It was a lot of fun for the kids though, so I'm okay with it. I strongly feel God working in my life on this trip. He has broken me down lately with my relationships and future life plans, and I feel that He is now ready to start building me back up into the man He wants me to be. On the last mission trip I was a part of, God displayed His power and the power of prayer to our entire team. On this trip, I think God is trying to make me more bold in my faith and aware of the people who desperately need Him. Every devotional that we have been doing as a group has had something to do with boldness, even if it is only alluded to. The more bold I am with the kids the more they respond. I hope I can be God's tool and be used by Him! continue to keep us in your prayers and be comforted that we are all having an amazing time no matter how tired we may be! In love, Sam As I have sat looking through some pictures, I decided it was time for you to see a few. Here are a few from graduation. Philippians 4:8

For the first time in months, I have been able to sit down at the computer without a care in the world. There isn't some other pressing issue on my agenda that takes all my time from me. In fact, for the first time in months.... I can breath. It has been the most intense and overwhelming past few months of my life. But as of today, there is nothing on my agenda.... nothing at all.... for a full month! VBS ended on Friday and the boys flew to Peru on Saturday and both Emily and Erin are at Skyview for the summer. So right now...it is just Mark, Elizabeth, Ri and I at home. Here are some pictures from VBS. We spent 3 weeks (nearly 4-6 hours a day) developing the stage for Babylon. It was a lot of fun, but a TON of work. The first picture is our final set (with a few words photoshopped onto it)

This is a view from teh back of the sanctuary:

Here are some pictures with the kids in it at VBS. We had so much fun.