Blogging haunts me.

I have to say that becoming a blogger gives me mixed emotions. At one point in my life, it was like medicine for my mind. It was a way for me to put in words all the emotions that were going on in my mind. I loved sharing all the wonderful feelings and exciting things that were going on in our life. I loved sharing how God was working and what my inner most thoughts were.... but then I started hitting some walls in parenting. It was as if I was in a head on collision with a brick wall: with parenting being the vehicle I was driving and teenagers being the brick wall that I hit. At first, it wasn't too bad... a few minor "accidents" and few bumps and bruises. I could walk away from the incidents having only a few injuries. But as each child entered those teenage years, it seemed that warning signs... flashing lights were all around me and my brakes needed replaced..... and now... my brakes have failed and I have slammed into that brick wall..... and I can no longer walk away unscathed; neither can the wall. There is damage to both.

So... blogging isn't something I long to do anymore. It seems that when I sit down and blog, there are inner feelings that I use to look to share that now scream "you can't possibly share those publicly!". Sitting down to blog isn't easy anymore. Sometimes it is because of time but more often it is because I use to be honest when I wrote, now I don't want to be honest anymore. Partly for me, but more for my kids sakes.

I've been in this battle long enough to know that it is a season. It is a long season for some teens and parents and not so long for others. For Emily, it was a short season and it came and went. There were battles, but they were brief. There were times when it was a bit difficult, but again.. it was brief. Not because she is a perfect kid (of which I have been accused of thinking), but because her temperment is that way. She does not like conflict; she is a people pleaser. So, she would hide those "teenage" looks around us. She would share them openly with her siblings, but she did not want to disappoint us or cause us to get angry, so she would hide much of her emotions. And now, Emily is nearly all grown up and thinking about her future. She is always thoughtful of home and almost always thoughtful of her siblings. For Erin, the season was a very long, hard one. Again, it wasn't because she was a bad kid... but her temperment is such that her emotions are written on her face for ALL to see. When she was disgusted.... I knew it. ... and I was the safety place for her.... where she could let loose. I became her target. But, that season is over and it has been replaced with pure joy. Erin has matured and become so sensitive to her walk with the Lord. She is loving and kind and gentle with us now. Oh, she isn't perfect. Her emotions come out at times, but that is normal for anyone. Those teenage out bursts are controlled because she has matured.
The teenage years are a season. But it can be a brutal season. I am warn out and don't have the energy for the intensity of it at times. I have lost my temper far more then I care to think. I have crossed the boundaries I have never thought I would come close to crossing. I cringe at the mom I have become or at least the mom I am at those moments. I have single handedly crushed the spirit of at least one of my kids; if not more... they just haven't shared that with me. It is a brutal fact that is hard to face at times.

And as I try to manage the dynamics of teens, I watch Ri and Elizabeth being exposed to my temper and my outbursts that come with heated teenage discussions and think "What damage is being thrust upon them?". And then I struggle trying to get a grip and get control of me so that I can give them the foundation I somehow managed to give the others.

There are times, certainly, when things are great and I that there is a light at the end or at least that I have a handle on it and then... BAMM... it hits again and I find myself slamming against that brick wall with force that is very, very painful; a force so hard that neither party escapes injury.

So, as I begun earlier, blogging is a mixed emotion kind of thing for me. I hate just writing the facts of life. I want the feelings to go right along. It's the emotions of life that will mean more to my kids down the years; not the mundane facts. I just have to work through some emotions enough to be able to blog something worth blogging.

As for life around the Miller home, we are all doing ok. Sam has received an ROTC scholarship to the University of Toledo. He has accepted it with a request to transfer it to Cedarville. He has not yet heard from West Point or the Naval Academy, but he had to respond as soon as possible to the ROTC scholarships in hope that it would be transfered. He has to give them an offical response within 30 days of receiving the offer. With the academies, he could hear anytime between now and May. Jacob is doing well in school and is looking amazing. I admire is determination so much; he really does inspire me. I have watched him set a goal and work hard to achieve it for over a year now. I am in awe at his dedication. Back in November, I was thoroughly disgusted with my weight and lack of strength. I would have never known I had run a triathalon just a year earlier....it I hadn't done it myself! I was so inspired by him that I started doing the workout routine INSANITY. I have been doing that nearly everyday for the past 90 days. And, thanks to Jacob, I have finally begun focusing on eating healthy. It is SO hard!

Emily is loving her life right now. She is beginning to think of her future now. It is fun to watch her making plans. Right now, she is on her way to Chicago, again. Caleb attends Moody Bible Institute. It just so happens that SKyview is recruiting Monday and Tuesday for summer positions. They have sent her to Moody by herself to do the recruiting. It will be her first time "running the show". She will do great. It is so cool how it all worked out. I can't help but believe God's hand is it. Not only does she get to visit Caleb, but she is seeing the love of her life on Valentines day ... which also happens to be her 21st birthday! Can't ask for a better birthday gift! Needless to say, she is a happy "camper". :) In addition to that, she found at last week that Skyview is sending her on a mission trip to Poland during the summer. She is beyond happy!

Erin is doing great. She is very involved in school. I am not sure if I shared it already, but she was selected as Captain of the soccer team. She was recently appointed to serve on some special committe for athletes. She is taking scuba diving and horseback riding as well as 3 biology type classes with labs and an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) course. She plans to travel to Equador (I think) in May on a mission trip/class. Being a part from her boyfriend is very difficult, but they are very mature and handle it amazing. She will be home for a week at the end of the month.

Ri is doing much better with his breathing. I am convinced (though probably very wrong) that the breathing problems were occuring because the peice off of the stent was traveling through his artery into his lung. They tell me I am wrong, but it only makes sense to me. His surgery for repair is March 9th.

Elizabeth is doing great. She still has shutdowns, but she is handling life pretty well. Elizabeth spent a lot of time one evening writing in a notebook. I really had no idea what she was up to. Later, she handed me her notebook and asked me to read it. I began and discovered that she was "writing a book". She loves reading magic tree house books. She has been able to read chapter books for awhile, but I haven't been able to convince her to do it. Finally, Jacob sparked something in her and she started reading them all on her own. I think that has spurred her onto writing her own book. Here are the first 7 pages of her first book; we scanned them into the computer and added color.

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